Fuck Every Single One of You
by MirandaTam42
Summary: All of this business on Tumblr of people talking about Enjolras being attracted to a landmass and to France itself amuses me and I decided to take it a step further. This is crack, not explicit, and just a little ficlet. I wasn't originally going to post here but Tumblr is unstable atm and I don't want this lost. Enjolras x everyone. Reviews are welcomed!
1. Chapter 1

The meeting at the cafe was going as well as it could be considering that there was no news. The students chatted to each other and Enjolras breathed heavily and looked affectionately around the room at each and every one of them. He'd been meaning to make this announcement for some time and now that things had died down a bit in their plans he decided to go for it.

"Ahem." Everyone gradually stopped talking and Enjolras stood in front of them. "Gentlemen, there's something you ought to know that I've kept hidden for so long."

Every person hung on his words as he continued to speak, "My love for this country is great, but I'm not sure any of you quite know how much. My heart, soul, and body are purely in love with this people and I need to express that. I can't bottle this up any longer."

"What do you mean?" asked Courfeyrac. "You've done all you can to help people."

"I know, but it goes even deeper than that." Enjolras unbuttoned his shirt and slid it off with his jacket, letting them fall to the floor as he basked in the stares of his friends. Grantaire was so enthralled that he was drinking an empty bottle and not noticing.

"I intend to sleep with every single person in France within appropriate age and physical limitations."

Joly raised his hand and blurted out, "Don't you know what you're going to catch?"

"Come on, where's the love in this?" asked Jehan. "This isn't how you're supposed to go about this."

Many more of the group raised their voices but Enjolras cut them off.

"My love for all of these people is great enough that I do not need to know them personally. My patria drives me to do this, to show my country how much I sincerely love it, and I'll accept any risk that comes with it. We're at a down time in our planning and I believe that it's the perfect time for me to finally get a sex life."

Grantaire dropped his bottle on the floor and timidly asked, "Who are you taking first?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh God I continued it. The sex is implied or very vague so I left it at T and um, yeah, crack and OOCness ahead!**

"Oh Enjolras," moaned Grantaire. "I've waited so long for this."

"Hm, say French things."

Grantaire caught Enjolras's mouth and deeply kissed him before pulling back and gasping, "I never thought I could seduce a fellow native French speaker with French."

Enjolras groaned and went harder into Grantaire, resulting in Grantaire hissing and clawing his back. "French. France. Now."

"Um, AH!" Grantaire tried to think about the Frenchest things he could say to urge Enjolras on and listed in time to Enjolras, "Toulon. Paris. Rennes. Arras. Tours. Lyon. Rodez. Brest. Dijon."

Grantaire thought this whole thing was very weird but he couldn't complain since he was living the dream of having Enjolras make love to him, even if it was really to just to France though him. He messed up Enjolras's hair and enjoyed the last few moments before Enjolras finished, which was when he completely lost it.

"HON HON HON BAGUETTE EIFFEL TOWER!"

"_WHAT?"_ roared Grantaire.

"Um, nothing, mon cheri." Enjolras sighed and gave Grantaire a gentle kiss on the lips and got up. "Thank you."

"Wait, you're not staying?"

"No, I have others to go to, a whole country of them."

"Oh." Grantaire frowned and then shrugged it off. "Well, it's not like I can get up anyways."

"Exactly." Enjolras pulled his pants back on and left Grantaire to sleep. He ran into Feuilly out on the street as he was leaving and smiled. "Hello, Feuilly."

"Oh, hey." Feuilly looked a bit uncomfortable and Enjolras blushed.

"Sorry if this makes you feel weird Feuilly, I mean like I would offer you a round with me but if you're not gay that's alright-"

"No, it isn't that." Feuilly shuffled his feet and rubbed the back of his neck. "It's just that your mistress is my mother and I'm not sure how I feel about you being my mom's fuck buddy, you know?"

"Ah." Enjolras started laughing and said, "I guess that'd make it a no from you then. If we slept together, I'd be with you and also France through you, which would involve some sort of odd incestuous threesome considering that France is your mother."

Feuilly chuckled and said, "Yeah, that about sums it up. Good luck finding others though."

"Thanks, friend."

Enjolras continued wandering around where most of Les Amis lived and started going door to door. He may as well start with people he knew.

Courfeyrac opened his door after a few knocks and hid behind the door when he opened it a little. He poked his head out and said, "Hey Enjolras. I'm a bit busy."

"With what?"

"I have someone over already."

"Oh."

Enjolras was going to walk away when Courfeyrac said, "Want me to ask if you can join?"

"Sure!"

Courfeyrac disappeared into his house and came back a few moments later. "She said no."

"Alright." Enjolras sighed and tried to remember where Éponine lived. He got a bit lost but eventually made it. He peered inside and whispered, "Éponine!"

Éponine came outside and raised her eyebrows. "What the hell are you doing here and where's your shirt?"

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

"No, I'm too busy pining over a boy who doesn't know I exist."

Enjolras toyed with the waistband of his slacks and asked, "You sure? I hear I'm quite good."

"Hmmmm." Éponine eyed him up and down. "You are rather cute. Can you do a really good Marius impression?"

Enjolras made it look like he was going to take a step towards her but instead tripped over his own feet, fell onto the ground and said, "I heart Napoleon."

"Get in here."

Enjolras thought only of Éponine's Frenchness the whole time he was in with her and when he left he felt ready for one more person but was having a bit of trouble finding someone willing. He didn't bother asking Combeferre, Jehan, Joly, Bossuet, or Musichetta since he was sure Combeferre was uninterested, Jehan would lecture him once he showed up, and the other three had each other so he was left with Bahorel.

"What the fuck do you want at this time of night?" growled Bahorel. He was shirtless as well when he opened his door and Enjolras did his best to lean against the doorframe and look sexy. It didn't really work.

"Are you interested in sex?"

"You're still on about sleeping with France?"

"Yeah."

Bahorel placed his hands on Enjolras's hips and said, "Well, I'm awake and bored. Why not." Enjolras was roughly kissed and then wrestled onto Bahorel's bed. He tried to get up but was sufficiently pinned to it.

"I've usually been on top," said Enjolras. Bahorel pressed him down a bit harder and bit his neck. "But I think I'd be fine with you on top of me for this, if you want. You smell a lot like the streets of Paris."

"That's a sweet way of putting it."

Enjolras felt extremely sore when Bahorel was done and took awhile to get up and go. "Do you have any suggestions for others I could go to?"

"Go back to R. He'll stay with you until the day you die because he can't get enough of you, and he also knows a lot of girls who'll love to have you."

"French girls, right? Foreigners turn me off."

"How the fuck would I know? Get outta here, I want some sleep."

Enjolras limped out and groaned a bit. He made his way back to Grantaire's apartment and was glad to see he was awake. "Hey."

"Hello Enjolras." Grantaire may have been awake but he looked dead tired like he'd been lying awake for awhile. "Are you going to sleep here tonight?"

"Yes."

Grantaire's face brightened up and Enjolras pretended not to notice. "Great. It's nice and warm over here." Enjolras nodded and curled up with Grantaire. He felt like he was going to fall asleep until he noticed he had a piece of fabric tucked beneath him. He sat up, pulled it out and stared.

"Why do you still have my shirt on your bed?"

"Um." Grantaire took it and tossed it on the floor. "Forgot it was there, I suppose." Grantaire blushed at Enjolras's doubtful look and he confessed, "It was there to remind me of you since you left so quickly earlier. I, er, usually have some afterglow cuddling with people and I was lonely without you here so I had that beside me?" His statement didn't even do a good job of convincing himself and Enjolras decided to tell Grantaire his plan.

"Bahorel said you'd stay with me until the day I died because you can't get enough of me, and that you know a lot of girls who would be with me, so I was wondering if I could stick around with you for awhile so you can take me to them, and when all else fails we could sleep together again."

"Sure." Grantaire was back into the happy daze he'd been in earlier when Enjolras had first said he wanted to sleep with all of France. "Yeah, that sounds perfect. I'm a great cook by the way, so we can have lots of homemade French food."

"Hmmmm." Enjolras laid back down and snuggled up with Grantaire again.

"I'm proud to be French," said Grantaire.

"Exactly what I like to hear."


End file.
